Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
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Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied