It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
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Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”