like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
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CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
the last thing a carrot sees
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.