Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
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That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Breaking news:
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
is there nothing we can trust anymore
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.