Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
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Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
i spent way too long on this
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking