she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
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“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
all bases covered
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.