I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
You Might Also Like
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
LA today:
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.