“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
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Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
🚲+physics = winner
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons