When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
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*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
accurate
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.