Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
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My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”