Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
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[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”