Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
You Might Also Like
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids