“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
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NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.