My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
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the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.