Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
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[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
this is me
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
When someone says you are so lazy
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]