Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
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Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
For those that worship cheese..
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop