Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
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Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”