Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
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You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*