Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
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Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I wanna be friends with this person
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Going into Monday like
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.