me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
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Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.