My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
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I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.