I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
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The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Wise advice
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”