Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
You Might Also Like
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.