911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
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Finally a use for spoilers…
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six