What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
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*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite