*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
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This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable