The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
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Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence