My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
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Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.