People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
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If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know