Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
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ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.