I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
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[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.