I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.