I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
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Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
are there any atheist mantises?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*