Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
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dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Planet of the Apps.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?