I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
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The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?