why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.