I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
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I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Ok, but like, how married are you?
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
best first i’ve ever seen
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.