One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
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people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon