You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
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Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else