Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
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Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.