Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
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Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
plums roundup
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
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My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Have kids, they said
motivation
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!