sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
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If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
early stone age tool
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*