Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
You Might Also Like
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.