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My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*