Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
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If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen