me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
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Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.