Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
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Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Interior design 👌
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”