spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
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turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings