Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
You Might Also Like
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
This is painfully accurate 😅
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
All. The. Damn. Time.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’