Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
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Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
do horses think humans are hats
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.